Journal Entry / May 6, 2011
What if we all allowed ourselves to have a fear friend? Someone that will work to fully understand our fear and to assure us we are capable of working through it. God, I think I could use a fear friend. (Maybe two?)
There are days I am afraid of these repressed memories. Afraid they will swallow me up, that I won’t find my way back.
I am terrified that I will be labeled crazy for the rest of my life.
Afraid I won’t find someone to love me for who I am today – a woman with an ugly past.
I am afraid that I won’t ever have another date or the thrill of falling in love.
I am afraid that I will have a trigger or reaction that hurts someone else.
I am afraid that I’ll take so long to find my way that it won’t matter anymore.
I am afraid that I will lose friends because I am not the same person I used to be.
I am afraid that I won’t find peace because I won’t find all my memories, leaving me unable to heal completely.
I am afraid that my capacity for joy – sacred holy joy of life and living will never be mine. That the glimpses I have had are all I get.
**End of journal entry. Additional reflections:
A few years back, I realized a pattern: I had a limited amount of intimacy in my life. I had done an excellent job at creating plenty of relationships where I was needed by others more than I allowed myself to be needed by another. I sat with the awareness and watched it play out time and time again. I managed to catch myself in moments of intimacy with friends here and there but mostly, I kept myself too busy for intimate moments to reach me on a regular basis. I longed for intimacy but was terrified of the prospect of needing someone, depending on someone, which was my definition of intimacy. I longed for a spiritual partner, but didn’t put myself into the dating world.
When old childhood memories began to emerge, I didn’t have any choice but to become deeply intimate with myself on all levels. Finding that space within my Self, where my fears are born, was the first step to knowing intimacy. Next I asked God to be my first witness, my trusted friend.
Intimacy is about sharing and supporting more than needing to be needed. Intimacy is about honoring each other with unconditional love and grace. Do I still have bouts of fear? Almost daily butterflies ripple in my gut when I choose to share more of who I am; open up to receive love rather than just give, which is my old pattern.
Intimacy means reaching out especially when fetal position in my bed is all that seems safe. When it seems I know something about intimacy, it asks more of me. And I laugh with God (and cry) in the knowledge that I know nothing, absolutely nothing, about intimacy. Somehow, I manage to keep showing up for practice. Gratefully, a few forgiving friends show up too.
Spring is about lifting your face unabashedly into the reflection of a friend, stretching and lifting your whole heart in an effort to grow and blossom – allowing the rain to soften us and the sun to warm us.
-Angela Rae Clark, 2006 Tending Your Inner Garden Seedling still finding ways to blossom in the world. Angela is sharing part of her recent experience of healing from emerging memories of childhood rape, torture and trauma. She is immensely grateful to have the TYIG tools and experiences to draw upon during this journey. Deb, Diane and the TYIG friends are a constant inspiration and source of love and support. Angela supports others through her healing arts practice, The Ki Inside. www.TheKiInside.com