My Dream / January 13, 2011

I have a dream of healthy, joyful and whole children that don’t ever learn what the word abuse means. It is not in their vocabulary because it is not in their dictionary. How can this happen? By having healthy, joyful and whole people raising them and caring for them. At home, school, church, daycare and the homes of family and friends. What can I do? Just one person – can I make a difference? My healing has to happen first, then I can share my story and help others to heal. It starts here, in my home, in my heart.

I have felt fractured all day. I can’t connect the basic dots of where I need to be or where I need to go to be efficient about it. Normally, I am all about efficiency.

I feel like I have one thousand lose ends in my life that I would love to clip off and have a fresh slate. That is my goal. Can I get my life in order like that? Based on the last few months, the answer is no. I had a hypnotherapy session today. In an effort to nurture myself, I also had an energy healing session and it was good. I did feel reluctant to go into the hypno-state, afraid of what I would find there. I think I totally chicken shitted the hour away. Where is my courage today?

I would love to have a good long hug tonight. I want to be held by someone that would let me draw on their strength and collect as many hugs as needed. I need some reassurance that I am going to be better than ok on the other end. I feel hollow and empty.  My friend D and I hung out for a bit. She clearly does not know what to do for me except medicate me. It was ok with me. We loaded up on some junk food and wine and mindless TV. I think I could be a junkie of any of the above if I allowed myself to go down that path.

The moon is beautiful, lending strength and courage to me. I see a child’s face reflected in the moon tonight. I wish I could sleep outside with her.